The doctors said, “We are doing all that we can, let’s just see..”
Dear Ely,
It has been exactly a week today since you welcomed us into your life, defying my unbelief.
It has been a week since I started to not rely on what I could do, realizing that there are things beyond my control, something I knew but did not feel so strongly about.
It has been a week of uncertainty, a week of shattered plans, a week of regrets, of blaming myself, of what-could-have-been, of heart-breaking whys..
but it was also a week of surrender.
Mommy thought she will never get to have another baby. You came as a wonderful surprise. The day I found out about you, I was sure I can give up anything and everything just to make sure you’ll be fine. I knew it will be a difficult one but I prayed and exclaimed, “Lord, I am so ready, let’s get it on!”.
Three months after all the preparations and looking-forward-to, on July 14, at 24w + 5d, the doctors told me I would have to be admitted to try to arrest labor. They had to do an emergency cerclage and informed us of the risk of rupturing the membrane as it was already bulging through the cervix. I was so scared and devastated that the numerous injections and blood extractions did not hurt anymore. Ten days after the successful cerclage operation, after being on bed rest with unidentifiable high WBC count, increasing heart rate, low SpO2, but asserting I can bear all the pain as long as you can stay inside my tummy for a longer time to keep you safe…
He allowed you to share the cross with me at 26w + 2d.
As I was prepared to have another CS, the doctors telling me that I will be having a Normal Delivery came as another surprise. While waiting in the delivery room, I found myself laughing away the pain- finding my I-have-it-all-planned-self out of control. It’s as if the hardest lesson I could not force myself to learn, letting go, was being pushed right through my tenacious grip.
The doctors were amazed by how good I was in “pushing you out”.
What they did not know is that I actually did not know where my strength was coming from. I just knew I had to make sure you would not get any further infection by having you out the soonest possible. I literally said my what-I-thought-was-my-last-prayers because I felt like I am using my last strength to make sure you are safe, outside, in the hands of the doctors. The first day went well with you and we were eventually allowed to leave the hospital, without you. Leaving without you while the nurses congratulated us after a successful delivery is like winning the lottery and taking home nothing. Moms who leave the hospital not carrying a child in her arms, feeling useless and helpless, sure can only attribute their strength to bear the pain to its Ultimate Source alone.
Mommy will never forget the first day I came to visit you, I was so sacred to touch you, thinking it might hurt you. I was so scared to cry, thinking you would feel my pain too.
But you gripped my finger and smiled as if assuring me that you will be strong for me-
with that, you also had a grip on my heart.
This week was a roller coaster ride.
I was reminded of things that truly matter.
I looked back and realized how I was blessed with achievements and perhaps material things, but none of that truly mattered. On my knees, He made me realize that nothing of what I have or what I have achieved, can fill the current desire of my heart-
to bring you home healthy and safe.
Ely, we had to sell Bitogbi, our first car which we love so dearly and which I was so sure before that I would not sell for anything the world…
Now, we find ourselves in awe that we are doing so without any bit of sadness or regret because we are doing it for you.
I now look at my future dreams, targets, goals not as the same person who would believe in “hit it or hit it, there is no room to miss it” but humbled down uttering,
“Let Your will be done”.
Indeed, my life has changed because of you.
It’s as if the Heavens had to shake me to wake.
I sincerely pray that whoever gets to read this letter will not be too stubborn to have to be shaken to be awaken. I also pray that anyone who gets to read this letter will start counting their blessings, be thankful for the littlest of things and most of all realize that what truly matters is not what one has but what one is willing to give.
Mommy used to think that things should be kept to myself to avoid disappointments and adding burden to others. I now find myself writing this letter, which I plan to do so everyday, letting go of my emotions and allowing people to judge me, help me, listen to me- see me that I am strongest at my weakest.
I would have to admit that there are days when I feel like giving up
But when I get to see your picture, I am reminded of how you gripped my finger-
and this makes my heart utter “Lord I believe, help my unbelief”.
This song “Wait on You” comforts my heart during moments of unbelief:
I don’t believe in fairytales, I guess I’ve outgrown them
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe
That there’s something bigger than me
‘Cause I’ve seen it in a hospital room
When the doctors said, “Sorry, there’s nothing more we can do”
Well, it wasn’t through
I’ve never seen a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
But I’ve got a promise
I can hold in the middle of the struggle God, if you said it,
You’ll perform it May not be how I want You to
But here’s what I’ll do I’m gonna wait on You
I’m gonna wait on You
I’ve tasted Your goodness
I’ll trust in Your promise
I’m gonna wait on You
Yes, I’m gonna wait on You (yeah)
I’ve tasted Your goodness
I’ll trust in Your promise I’m gonna wait on You Yes, I will, yes, I will I will, I will, I will (I will), yeah
I know You ordered every step Yeah, Y
ou are the Author And there’s no predicting what is next
But You hold the future And all the questions they come second
To the one I know is true, yeah
Oh, you’ve always been true
So I’m gonna wait on You,
************************
Being a part of a community of mothers who are going through the same pain,
I find myself more willing to give now that I also have almost nothing and even also had to reach out for help. Seeing mothers begging for milk, asking for prayers, humbling oneself by begging just to get their babies out of the hospital but couldn’t do so because of the bills, I am more than willing to share the foot of their cross with them with the little that I have and doing whatever I can- even through prayers.
While reading this letter, please lift a prayer for all our warriors and all moms-of-a-warrior who are going through what perhaps is the most difficult time of their lives.
Anyone willing to give from their heart,
supporting this campaign which started off for my Elyse, we are choosing to share this cause to all warriors who are also in dire need of help:
https://gogetfunding.com/claiming-mary-elyse-victorias-victorious-battle/
https://www.facebook.com/INKcredibleMagnifiscentsShoppe/photos/a.1575988179365450/2730582403906016/?type=3
momofawarrior 